Sometimes life gets you down, and it’s so difficult to get back up. For me this has happened more than once in my life, and as recent as last year. A brief recap of my story:
I’ve struggled with addiction, depression, and bipolar disorder for many years and in 2012 I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully the Universe/Spirit/My Higher Power/God had other plans. I got the help I needed and went on to an amazing four years of wonderful sobriety and spiritual growth. However, in 2016 I began drinking extremely heavily and continued this path for two years. In 2018 I ended up drunk on my porch with a gun in my hand, yet again in the same situation as in 2012. Luckily my family intervened and I again got help. My joy was not long lasting as not even two months later I relapsed on pain medicine. This began a very dangerous and scary downward spiral that led to losing a job (again), being arrested four times within a month (DUI x2, Public Intox x2), and totaling four vehicles. I had come to the conclusion that depression and addiction were bound to kill me so I would let it. On December 15th 2018 I took my last few pain pills, got in my car, and began to drive home. I didn’t make it. I nodded off at the wheel and flipped my car three times knocking myself unconscious. Spirit (my Higher Power) was definitely watching out for me because the people driving behind me that night just happened to be two fourth year medical students at our local university. They pulled me from the vehicle and tended to my wounds until help arrived. The only thing I remember is sitting in the back of the patrol car, crying. The State Trooper, assuming I was upset about my car, assured me that I could buy another vehicle. My response? “I’m not mad about the car! I’m mad that I survived! I wanted to die, I should be dead!” There was so much anger and pain in my voice that the officer allowed me to be released on an OR Bond and go home versus sitting in jail. I managed to bruise multiple bones, broke a finger, and had a large incision in my head that required nearly 20 stitches. I was still angry. After all this time this would have been the perfect opportunity for me to go, but somehow I had survived. I told myself it would’ve been easier on family and friends if I had died in a car wreck. I would no longer be around to be a burden. I would be gone and they could move on with life. I was NOT in a place mentally and spiritually that I needed to be, and because of that I saw myself as nothing but a burden. Not long after this the court proceedings began and I had already started the task of finding a rehab center to go to. However, deep down I still didn’t want to go. I wasn’t ready to quit and I still wanted to die. I didn’t want to get help because that would mean fighting for a life that I deemed worthless. From that last night of using to April 2019 when I went to rehab I was fighting my recovery. Even after rehab I still struggled with wanting to die. I had stopped eating, had lost around 50lbs, and had to talk myself out of suicide on a regular basis. I remember one night standing in front of my mirror, tears running down my face, and something in me begged me to keep going. To be strong, and to hold on. Something came through that night and I FINALLY began to fight for my life. I had gone nearly six months not caring if I died, and even wanting to, but now something had changed. This entire time I had been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings, but I was simply acting like I cared about myself. My mental health was terrible, my addiction was still strong, and going back and forth to court was absolutely tearing me apart. However, around this time was when I finally let go of my addiction and stopped fighting my recovery. I had been turned down by 10 rehab centers, but I finally got the help I needed and something had managed to sink in. I was literally faking it to make it, and I had made it. Between rehab and NA meetings something someone said made a difference. I had finally surrendered and no longer wanted to die.
I just celebrated a year clean and sober on December 15th of this year, and it was incredible. I still struggle on a regular basis, but I am also much more open about it with those around me. My NA support system and my family have made it possible for me to maintain strength to get through each day. Some days are extremely difficult, and some days aren’t, but I haven’t used and that’s the most important part. My spiritual journey has become so much stronger, and I am truly connected with my Higher Power (whom I choose to call Spirit). Life is not always flowers and rainbows. Sometimes it’s storms and darkness, but like I’ve learned in my Buddhist studies, nothing is permanent. Over the past year I’ve attempted to write a blog post multiple times but couldn’t bring myself to even care enough to do so. Yet, here I am sitting at my computer and pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet hoping that my struggle can help someone else, or maybe sharing my pain will help me to heal. I’ve always been a firm believer in talking things through. I am on a new path with a new destination and I refuse to give up. I ask you to join me on my journey and I look forward to sharing it with you 🙂
P.S. I will get back to my regular format of shorter posts from here on out. If you’re like me then you probably don’t have the attention span to read long posts lol. I normally try to keep mine around 500 words or less (even though this one is around 1000) 🙂
***IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING FROM SUICIDAL IDEATION PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP. BELOW IS THE NUMBER FOR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE: