I wonder if you’d do something for me, clap your hands a few times. Now, did the fingers on your right hand hit your left palm, or was it the other way around?? Now that this is brought to your attention clap your hands again but this time make yourself clap with your non dominant hand….It feels weird right? It takes conscious effort to do it because it’s something you’re not used to. You can clap your hands successfully without even thinking about it because you’ve done it for so long. Most of you probably had to clap again after I asked which hand hit which palm because you probably didn’t even realize. Was it a bit odd and uncomfortable? Our thoughts are the same way. We become accustomed to the way our mind works and the way we process things so we think that’s the only way it can be done. Changing your thoughts takes conscious effort, just like using your non dominant hand, but over time it begins to feel more “normal”. It’s okay if some old thoughts still slip through. Just forgive yourself and move on knowing that you’ll regain your focus to your new thoughts again. Changing our thought pattern is a chore, and not an easy one. I encourage you to be kind to yourself and don’t beat yourself if you accidentally “clap with your dominant hand”. You’ve done it for so long that it’s second nature, but you CAN change that. You have the ability to do that right now! Is it uncomfortable? Absolutely! Is it difficult to do at first? Yup! But that doesn’t mean you can’t continually do it which will eventually result in a permanently changed habit! I believe in you and know you can do this! Keep going! Don’t give up!
I’m not a religious person, but a lot of my dear friends are so I wanted to put my belief and trust in the universe/process into words that they can use daily. Stay with me.
We often don’t reach for our dreams because we don’t understand how to get there. However, when we look at the past we can see how things came together, and everything fell into place, to make our current situation a reality. Even if in you’re in a bad place, your actions and decisions have led to this point. Hindsight is 20/20.
Now, looking into the future, I want you to focus on your goals and dreams. Isaiah 43:18 & 19 says “Do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.” In other words, as you focus on the future, and as you imagine your dreams coming true the universal energy that makes up our existence is creating a way for it to happen. Trust that process. Whatever you call it (God, Spirit, Universe, Mother Earth, Source, etc) it represents the base vibration of our universe that creates energy. Everything, on a molecular level, vibrates thus creating energy. Therefore, everything is connected by this energetic field. We are energy, and everything that has been or ever will be is energy. If it weren’t then it wouldn’t exist. You must connect with the frequency of your dreams in order to achieve them. Albert Einstein said, “Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy, this is physics.”
Now, let’s look at the verse quoted here. “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding.” In other words, trust the process. Even if you don’t know how you’ll make something happen I want you to focus on connecting with it and trust that things will fall into place to make it a reality. “In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make your path true.” Speak your dreams into existence, connect with them on an emotional and energetic level, then believe that those things will come to be. You still with me?
I was born and raised Christian but I never really understood this verse until I began my own study and research of the Law of Attraction. So if you’re not Christian I want you to replace the word Lord in this verse with the word Universe and read it again. We may often have to go through changes and experiences to achieve that which we desire, but each of those things are simply a step that can put you closer or further away from your goals. Hold your goal in your mind and focus on it, in everything you do do do it with your goal in sight, then trust that whatever steps are involved in the process (good or bad) will lead you to that goal.
Several years back I began to manifest my dream career, imagined running my own business, and saw myself helping people on a daily basis. I didn’t know how it would happen but I knew that it would. I had to lose two great jobs in order to be in the position where my dream could become real. At the time it was a devastating loss, but looking back now I understand that those things had to happen in order for me to move closer to my dream. When I relapsed in 2018 & got arrested I now know that had to happen in order to motivate me to turn my life around. However, even in my darkest time I still trusted the process and I still maintained my dreams and goals in my mind. I didn’t understand why those things were happening, but now I know I didn’t need to understand them in order to trust the process.
Ask yourself, “What are my goals in life?” Think of them daily and focus on connecting with them. Imagine you already have them. How does that feel? Really immerse yourself in those feelings. You have now connected with these goals on an emotional level. “Feeling” is just a word we invented to describe the energetic frequency that we are on. Remind yourself daily that you may not know the exact path you need to take to achieve a goal, but know that as long as you stay focused on accomplishing it things will come together for it to become your reality. You create your own reality. Speak it into existence!
Why are we afraid of commitment? Because when we commit to something it means we have to deliver. When we commit to a marriage, to a relationship, to a job, to a promise to someone, it means we have to get results. If we don’t then there are negative consequences. If we don’t deliver on our commitments then it means there will be broken hearts and hurt feelings. When we tell someone, “Oh I’ll try my best to do that” what you’re really saying is, “I’m afraid to commit to that but I’ll attempt it.” That way, you can do so without expectation of deliverance or results. But when you say this you are also saying, “This is not important enough for me to commit to and I’d still like the option of an excuse to get out of it.” “I’ll try” is your escape clause in the agreement!
When we fully commit to something then that means that there are no excuses! What we are really afraid of isn’t commitment at all, it’s the risk of failure. You’re afraid that relationship won’t work out, so you don’t commit. You’re afraid you won’t succeed at your new job, so you don’t commit. Then when you do fail at the job, or your relationship falls apart we ask ourselves why. It’s because the moment you refused to commit to it you set into motion the outcome you eventually received. If you decide to try for the promotion, but don’t go for it 110% then you may as well hang it up. When you refuse to commit then you begin to make room for excuses as to why it didn’t happen! “Well my boss doesn’t like me, my coworker was better, etc” You must give yourself permission to fail, but don’t you dare give yourself permission to never try! Your actions in life will show what you’re willing to commit to, they will show what’s important to you. If something is difficult then push through it. If it’s inconvenient, then do it while being uncomfortable. When you commit to something there will be things that happen that you can’t control or didn’t plan. When you allow those things to control the outcome you place their importance above that of what you were trying to commit to. But when those things do happen, when unexpected obstacles come up, how will you move past them? Don’t let them stop you. Keep going! Get creative with your results. Some of my clients will be stuck at an obstacle and say, “I don’t know what to do!” My response is, “Okay, but if you did know what to do what would it be?” That opens up possibilities that you may not have thought about. It makes your brain work differently than it was before. You have to be willing to get into the ring and fight those things that try to stop you from reaching your goals. Even if you think you can’t win, as long as you attempt to fight you may very well surprise yourself!
Even if you’re afraid of something do NOT let it stop you from reaching your goals. If your goals are big enough, and important enough, then no excuse will be good enough for you to not reach that goal. Do you REALLY want to save your marriage? Do you REALLY want that new job? Do you REALLY want that success? Then refuse to accept excuses and move forward prepared to fight however you have to in order to succeed.
This is something I’ve wanted to do for a very long time, and I’ve finally done it! I have created an online course/program to walk people through the steps I not only take daily, but also the process involved in my healing that has taken several years.
Healing from trauma/loss/abuse, releasing the past, processing our emotions, and dealing with mistakes are not easy things to face, but through this program I will walk you through the steps I’ve learned over the years not only from some amazing therapy, but also from trial and error, and my own research into mental health and the science behind happiness!
Feel free to check out my FB PAGE HERE, or visit my newly launched website for more information or contact me with any questions. I’m so excited you’ve decided to join me on this journey, and I would love to have you along for the ride!
If you’re like me then at one point you either deleted/deactivated some or all of your social media accounts, or you at least gave it some thought. However, I want to address how you can actually turn social media into a positive and uplifting experience. I’ll mostly be referring to Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, but the rules should apply to all of social media.
The first, and most important step in my opinion is to unfollow certain pages or people. Now, there is a difference in unfriending and unfollowing someone. On Facebook you can unfollow someone without unfriending them. All this does is simply stop showing you their posts. But don’t get me wrong, if you feel the need to unfriend someone because of their negative or hurtful posts, then by all means, go for it. I even use the block feature sometimes, but only when someone attacks me personally or takes time out of their day to direct certain things at me. Tagging, private messaging, constantly arguing or posting negative things on the posts that I share will all lead to my blocking a person. However, I typically unfollow or unfriend people instead of blocking. “But Chase, the negative person is my family! I can’t unfriend them!” Okay, but you can unfollow them under notifications. That button works exactly the same for someone you’re related to or someone who’s a complete stranger. Don’t be afraid to use it. You have every right to block out negativity if you find it affecting you. Just because someone is kin doesn’t mean you should tolerate toxic, negative, or abusive behavior. Don’t excuse what they do just because they’re blood. You deserve better than that.
The next step goes right along with unfollowing, and that’s my following certain pages or people who are always positive, happy, and post good things. I have several pages that I follow on Facebook, and I went to their page and changed notifications to “See First”. That means I will see their posts on my timeline above others. When I’m scrolling through my timeline I see the things these pages post first. I have weeded my way through many pages and changed notification settings for “See First” on many of the really positive pages that I’d like to see on a regular basis. Also, by liking or commenting on posts by these pages the algorithm of Facebook will make sure you see these posts more often.
Alright, so let’s take a breath here because this next step is going to be difficult for most. STOP INTERACTING WITH NEGATIVE PEOPLE/PAGES! Just because someone says something you disagree with doesn’t mean you have to comment on it. Unless you have an educated opinion, and aren’t just speaking out of anger or hurt, then you should just move on. Feel free to unfriend or unfollow the page/person. I do this often. Not everyone is going to share your opinion, and that’s okay, but just because I disagree with someone doesn’t mean I have to get involved. This typically leads to an argument, which will negatively effect me the rest of the day. I hate that feeling. So the best thing is to just keep scrolling. I also avoid reading the comment sections on some of the posts or videos I see because I know there’s a 99% chance that someone will have something negative to say no matter how positive the video or post. Sometimes it takes a bigger person to simply walk away from a situation. The minute you begin, or participate in an argument you’ve lowered yourself to their level. There are literally people online who seem to have a daily goal of just ticking people off. Don’t let them win.
The next step is to not only watch/read/like things that make you happy, smile, or laugh, but to also share those things with your friends. I constantly share motivational quotes, cute animal videos, laughing baby videos (those are my faves!), and posts that restore my faith in humanity. Be the kind of person online that you want to follow and interact with on a regular basis. Don’t share negative things and stop posting drama.
My final step, and one I rarely use, is to report certain posts or people. Please understand that this should be used as a last resort. When do you report someone? If their post violate the terms and policies of the social media website. For example, if someone posts something extremely violent, threatens suicide or harm towards others, posts nudity, something regarding sex/child trafficking, constant harassment/bullying, etc. then please report those posts. Do NOT be that person that is constantly reporting someone just because they disagree with you. Please reserve this for dangerous, violent, or sexual posts.
I can honestly say that by doing these things I have literally created a positive/happy Facebook/Instagram timeline. I can scroll through FB or IG each day and see literally nothing but happy and positive posts. I see/share things that make me smile because I know if it makes me happy then maybe it will make someone else smile, and you never know who may need it!
So let’s go over this one more time:
1. Unfollow/unfriend certain pages and people.
2. Follow positive happy pages/people & change notifications to where you see those posts first each day.
3. Stop interacting with negative people. Don’t participate in arguments online. Just because you disagree doesn’t mean you need to voice your opinion. Be the bigger person.
4. Share things with others that make you happy/smile/laugh. Be the person online that you would like to interact with.
5. As a last resort, feel free to report dangerous, violent, sexual, or harmful posts or people to FB/IG/Twitter if it violates their terms, policies, and community guidelines.
I hope this helps! Let me know if you try any of these steps and if it makes a difference! 🙂
**Speaking of social media, feel free to follow my blog on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter 🙂
Now that I’m in recovery I really struggle with taking medication. Any type of medication. Tylenol? Nope. Ibuprofen? Forget it! Cough medicine? HA! I think not! However, there is one type of medication that I take adamantly on a daily basis, my mental health meds.
Your medication for mental illness is not something you should skip or come off of on your own. If you really think you should come off those meds please please consult your doctor and taper off slowly and safely. Some of the worst withdrawals I’ve ever had were from anti-depressants. Now, I used to hate taking my meds because I thought it made me a “psych patient”, however, I quickly learned that it actually makes me a normal person. With depression there is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. Serotonin and Dopamine are not produced normally so we require medication to make up for it. Those two molecules are basically what gives you happiness and motivation. That’s why, when a depression episode hits, I have a really hard time doing what I should be doing. I simply want to lie in bed and disappear. I have zero motivation to get up and move. I don’t clean, I don’t shower, I don’t eat, I can’t do anything, and there is literally a physiological reason for that. My brain doesn’t produce the right things to give me the motivation and happiness I need, which in turn leads to extreme fatigue because even though I don’t have the motivation I still have to socialize, go to work, perform my normal daily activities, and literally force myself to do basic stuff. It’s exhausting! Depression is very much a physical disease! When someone has cancer or diabetes people don’t expect them to overdo it. They encourage them to take it easy and slow. They would be shocked if this patient attempted to run a full marathon in between their cancer treatments. However, with people who have mental illness we are expected to do the same things that all other people do. There are some days where it just isn’t possible. Sometimes I will give myself an hourly limit per day as to what I’m capable of. For example, if I’m having a rough day it may be only a four hour day. That means, I may only be productive and present for four hours. There are other days where I feel like I have a full eight or even ten hours of “life” in me. However, some days I barely make it an hour. We have to learn to allow ourselves some time to recoup after a long day, and we really need to forgive ourselves when we beat ourselves up for not keeping up with others. They don’t have your illness, so for them an eight hour day is totally feasible. This disease is why I take medication daily, and that is OKAY!
There is such a terrible stigma attached to not only mental health, but also to taking medicine for mental health. People won’t talk about it, and I know many people who suffer alone without any medication because they’re afraid what others might think, or they’re afraid of the side effects. I get it, I do, but I also know that without my meds I would be a completely different person. We have to help cut down on this stigma, and I’ve found a great way of doing that is by speaking out and encouraging others to look into things like therapy, medication, etc. A lot of people seem to think that if they don’t talk about their mental illness it means they don’t really have it. Nope, not how it works. It’s still there. I know medicine doesn’t fix everything, and some people who have depression seem to function fine without it, but if you feel you need medication please seek the advice of a doctor. Don’t let what other people think be the deciding factor in whether or not you take a pill each day. If you had high blood pressure or heart disease you would take daily meds. This is no different.
As a recovering addict my mental health meds are the only pills I take now, and I’m perfectly okay with that. My mental health meds are literally a part of my recovery, just like my therapy appointments, yoga, Narcotics Anonymous meetings, journaling, meditation, reading, etc. Being dual diagnosis (an addict who also has a mental illness) I know that if I don’t keep my mental health in check then a relapse will not be far behind. My addiction and mental health literally go hand-in-hand. If one gets bad the other gets worse. So please, know that it is perfectly okay to take medicine for a mental illness. You can do this. We’ll do it together! I have faith in you. Stay strong!
As 2019 comes to a close people will inevitably start talking about their New Years Resolutions! Lose weight, save more money, cut back on splurges, go back to school, etc. However, you don’t have to have some huge drastic resolution. Most of those are left by the wayside by the end of February anyways. Sometimes the only resolution we can make is to just keep pushing forward and hopefully do better tomorrow than we did today. Granted, it’s not a “normal” resolution, but for me it is. There are days that I really struggle. Sometimes just getting out of bed before noon feels like an accomplishment and should be rewarded with at least a participation award. Yet other days I thrive and I’m up by 8am with coffee poured, music playing, laundry in the wash, and half of my house already cleaned by 9am. These are two very different days and I never know which one I’m going to have until it happens. I wake up in a great mood, or not so great mood, but how I handle that is on me. I can allow it to bother me and bring me down, or I can make myself go. I can continue through my morning routine of positive affirmations, stretching/yoga, listening to music, drinking coffee, cleaning house, playing with Maggie (my doggo!), and then starting work. Normally by the time I’m ready to start working my day has already changed for the better. It’s amazing what will happen when I focus on the positives and not the negatives. You’ll hear me say a lot (if you continue reading my blog, and I REALLY hope you do) that you must be an ACTIVE participant in your recovery. I take mental health meds every single morning, but that doesn’t mean I can remain in bed and expect them to magically work. Absolutely not! I have to work with them. I have to become more active, eat better, listen to upbeat music, read inspiring books, talk to positive happy people, and I have to be present. The medicine will only do so much, but we have to do part of the work too. It’s not easy, and sometimes it sucks, but it will only get worse if we don’t try. It’s like training for a marathon only to arrive on the day of the run and expect all your training will run the marathon for you. Nope, not how it works sugar! You have the skills and your muscles are stronger, but you still have to put forth the effort to get to the finish line. Let’s do it together!
I’ve already heard sooooo many people talking about 2020 vision for this coming year. Yeah, it’s a cute pun, but I wish I had 2020 vision for my future. I wish I had a crystal ball that could tell me everything that was going to happen in the next year so I could prepare for it. I wish I could see all the bad and good things that are going to happen, but I can’t. The lesson here is we have to learn to trust our higher power, whatever you may call it. I call it Spirit, some call it God. Whatever works for you, we have to believe that this Universe is too big for things to just happen. We are not always in control, and sometimes that for the best. Over the past two years I’ve had some wild stuff happen and it’s because I had quit being active in my recovery. I relapsed (on pain medicine and in my mental health), I quit doing the things I KNEW helped my mental illness, and I began to isolate myself, a lot. The crazy thing is that when it comes to those things I sort of do have 2020 vision. I know that if I start doing those things I will get worse, my mental health will decline, and typically a drug relapse is not far behind. Yet, when all this happens many of us think, “How did I not see this coming? How did I not catch it?” Well, chances are we did see it coming. And if we didn’t, I can assure you our family and friends saw it. When bad things happen, especially dealing with my addiction or mental health, I tend to say, “Well hindsight is 2020.” Yet it takes me a while to learn that if I had been more present each day I would’ve caught on to the downward spiral in which I was spinning. When you’re draining a tub you see the water going out, and you still have a chance to plug the drain before it all disappears, yet many of us (myself included) tend to get in this zone of just watching everything go down, mostly because we’re just downright exhausted. Then when the water is out of the tub we frantically plug the drain and pray that the water would just come back.
So for the year 2020 I encourage you to develop more 2020 vision when it comes to your mental health and/or addiction, or whatever problem you may be having. Become a present and active participant in your recovery and your health. I have even allowed close family and trusted friends to let me know if they see me headed in the wrong direction. As someone with depression and anxiety our brains often play tricks on us, but typically those outside of your head will see the signs that something is going wrong before you do. If you have a trusted friend or family member that you would be willing to hear this from then I encourage to to talk to them. I told my parents and best friend, “I don’t always notice when I’m getting bad so I need you guys to watch out for me. If you see something or start to notice a negative pattern please tell me so I can fix it before it gets worse.” I have been hospitalized three times and each time could’ve been prevented if I had been more present and proactive with my mental health.
So let’s go into 2020 with a clear vision of what we want and how we’re going to achieve it, and not just a bunch of empty resolutions with which we know we won’t follow through. Let’s be there for each other. Depression/Suicidal Ideation/Anxiety/Etc is a deadly, silent, and invisible illness. We MUST rely on our support systems to get us through the hard times. If you don’t have a support system then reach out to me. I love you guys! You’re stronger than you realize and we can do this. Let’s start this new year off right. Let’s make 2020 the best yet!
*Feel free to email me anytime or follow my page on Facebook or Twitter 🙂
It’s that time of year again. When Christmas music plays loudly at the mall, people are always smiling, children play in the snow, people tend to “pay it forward” more often, and everyone’s heart seems to have grown! However, for those of us who suffer from mental health this is a different type of season. Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD, ironically) is a type of depression that tends to affect people more during the dark, cold, gray, winter months. When the leaves and flowers die, when everything turns gray and drab, when the sun and its heat seems to hide, that’s when it really hits for some people. The Mayo Clinic reported around 3 million cases per year of SAD symptoms. These symptoms typically belonged to people who already suffered from depression and it only worsened in the winter, however, some people developed symptoms ONLY during winter months.
This time of year can be stressful for anyone, but it can be exponentially exhausting for those of us with mental health issues. It’s almost as though we “over-act” to appear super happy. We put on the mask of joy that everyone seems to naturally have, and we pretend to be on the same mental level as everyone else. We sing, we laugh, we drink hot chocolate, and we open gifts, all the while wishing we could just be at home away from people. We don’t want to be the Debbie Downer during Christmas so we make others laugh and sometimes even become the life of the party to guarantee that no one sees through our facade.
I’ve learned over the years that this can be not only painful for us, but also very harmful. This year I have skipped two holiday family functions because I knew I was not in the right state of mind to handle it. I knew there would be drama, whispers, and judgmental glances. I wasn’t prepared for it, so in the name of self care I stayed home and watched a movie with myself and my dog. It was great! And it was perfectly okay that I didn’t go. Yes, it’s tradition, but I didn’t owe anyone an explanation or apology as to why I wasn’t there. If I had cancer and was just tired and not up for it then no one would bat an eye, but having an invisible illness means that people often overlook it.
I’ve included a short list of things I do (in moderation) or keep in mind every year when it comes to the holidays:
- It’s okay to avoid a family get together if you’re not feeling up to it. There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself.
- If you do attend a family dinner and the conversation or situation becomes too much feel free to excuse yourself. Go outside, go to the bathroom, whatever it may be, just get away for a few minutes.
- If something or someone triggers you then, again, feel free to step away. If you’re the type that can have a civilized conversation in the midst of a trigger then by all means, go ahead. Sometimes I can, it just depends on the situation.
- Remember that YOU ARE VALID!!! Your identity, your illness, your happiness, all of it is valid and you are important. Just because Uncle Bubba talks about mental health like it’s a joke, or refers to you by the wrong gender (if you’re trans) it doesn’t mean you are any less of a person. Sometimes ignorant people say ignorant things. You’re better than stooping to their level.
- Carry a fidget toy, stress ball, or even a relaxing game on your phone to serve as a distraction when you need it.
- If at all possible drive your own vehicle to the dinner. If it becomes too much you know that you always have an escape plan.
- Tell a trusted family member that you probably won’t stay very long. I do this one quite a bit. I go, I socialize, I eat, then after I feel I’ve been there long enough I excuse myself to go home. Just because some people can stay around for hours doesn’t mean I can. It’s exhausting.
- The most important, and probably most difficult, is to not let your mental illness control the situation. Please don’t use this list as a way to get out of spending time with people. During my years of therapy I did exposure therapy. It’s extremely uncomfortable, but it’s not going to kill me to attend a family get together. Use this time to challenge yourself to sit with your anxiety. Allow it to be present, but know that you are in control. You can leave if you want to, but try to stick it out. This year you may be able to stay an hour longer than you did last year, and that’s a great accomplishment! If you don’t then just try to work on it next year. Recovery in mental health is a process and will not get fixed over night. You’ve got this and I have faith in you!
Sometimes life gets you down, and it’s so difficult to get back up. For me this has happened more than once in my life, and as recent as last year. A brief recap of my story:
I’ve struggled with addiction, depression, and bipolar disorder for many years and in 2012 I attempted to take my own life. Thankfully the Universe/Spirit/My Higher Power/God had other plans. I got the help I needed and went on to an amazing four years of wonderful sobriety and spiritual growth. However, in 2016 I began drinking extremely heavily and continued this path for two years. In 2018 I ended up drunk on my porch with a gun in my hand, yet again in the same situation as in 2012. Luckily my family intervened and I again got help. My joy was not long lasting as not even two months later I relapsed on pain medicine. This began a very dangerous and scary downward spiral that led to losing a job (again), being arrested four times within a month (DUI x2, Public Intox x2), and totaling four vehicles. I had come to the conclusion that depression and addiction were bound to kill me so I would let it. On December 15th 2018 I took my last few pain pills, got in my car, and began to drive home. I didn’t make it. I nodded off at the wheel and flipped my car three times knocking myself unconscious. Spirit (my Higher Power) was definitely watching out for me because the people driving behind me that night just happened to be two fourth year medical students at our local university. They pulled me from the vehicle and tended to my wounds until help arrived. The only thing I remember is sitting in the back of the patrol car, crying. The State Trooper, assuming I was upset about my car, assured me that I could buy another vehicle. My response? “I’m not mad about the car! I’m mad that I survived! I wanted to die, I should be dead!” There was so much anger and pain in my voice that the officer allowed me to be released on an OR Bond and go home versus sitting in jail. I managed to bruise multiple bones, broke a finger, and had a large incision in my head that required nearly 20 stitches. I was still angry. After all this time this would have been the perfect opportunity for me to go, but somehow I had survived. I told myself it would’ve been easier on family and friends if I had died in a car wreck. I would no longer be around to be a burden. I would be gone and they could move on with life. I was NOT in a place mentally and spiritually that I needed to be, and because of that I saw myself as nothing but a burden. Not long after this the court proceedings began and I had already started the task of finding a rehab center to go to. However, deep down I still didn’t want to go. I wasn’t ready to quit and I still wanted to die. I didn’t want to get help because that would mean fighting for a life that I deemed worthless. From that last night of using to April 2019 when I went to rehab I was fighting my recovery. Even after rehab I still struggled with wanting to die. I had stopped eating, had lost around 50lbs, and had to talk myself out of suicide on a regular basis. I remember one night standing in front of my mirror, tears running down my face, and something in me begged me to keep going. To be strong, and to hold on. Something came through that night and I FINALLY began to fight for my life. I had gone nearly six months not caring if I died, and even wanting to, but now something had changed. This entire time I had been attending Narcotics Anonymous meetings, but I was simply acting like I cared about myself. My mental health was terrible, my addiction was still strong, and going back and forth to court was absolutely tearing me apart. However, around this time was when I finally let go of my addiction and stopped fighting my recovery. I had been turned down by 10 rehab centers, but I finally got the help I needed and something had managed to sink in. I was literally faking it to make it, and I had made it. Between rehab and NA meetings something someone said made a difference. I had finally surrendered and no longer wanted to die.
I just celebrated a year clean and sober on December 15th of this year, and it was incredible. I still struggle on a regular basis, but I am also much more open about it with those around me. My NA support system and my family have made it possible for me to maintain strength to get through each day. Some days are extremely difficult, and some days aren’t, but I haven’t used and that’s the most important part. My spiritual journey has become so much stronger, and I am truly connected with my Higher Power (whom I choose to call Spirit). Life is not always flowers and rainbows. Sometimes it’s storms and darkness, but like I’ve learned in my Buddhist studies, nothing is permanent. Over the past year I’ve attempted to write a blog post multiple times but couldn’t bring myself to even care enough to do so. Yet, here I am sitting at my computer and pouring my heart out to strangers on the internet hoping that my struggle can help someone else, or maybe sharing my pain will help me to heal. I’ve always been a firm believer in talking things through. I am on a new path with a new destination and I refuse to give up. I ask you to join me on my journey and I look forward to sharing it with you 🙂
P.S. I will get back to my regular format of shorter posts from here on out. If you’re like me then you probably don’t have the attention span to read long posts lol. I normally try to keep mine around 500 words or less (even though this one is around 1000) 🙂
***IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS SUFFERING FROM SUICIDAL IDEATION PLEASE REACH OUT FOR HELP. BELOW IS THE NUMBER FOR THE SUICIDE HOTLINE: